Quitting smoking blog

Quitting smoking blog - WEEK 2

Monday, 19 Dec 05

Oh my God! Today has been really, really hard. It's awful. I have been tempted to smoke so many times it's not funny. Despite the patch I'm wearing (right arm today) barely a moment has gone by when cigs haven't been at least at the back of my mind—and usually a lot more forward than that. The entire day has been a battle against The Void.

So today there has been a gaping hole in my life. To relieve the pressure I reneged on my current low-calorie diet and pigged out on a heap of chocolates which had been (rather sadistically) given to me as a Xmas present.

I knew that the only thing that could fill this hole was dried leaves of a tall annual crop plant wrapped in rice paper. One end of the resultant stick is ignited and the smoke from the fire is inhaled into the lungs. For some reason this makes life feel worthwhile.

They say that these little sticks contain around 4,000 toxins (is that all?). These include:

• ammonia (to keep you clean?)
• arsenic (to maintain your sense of mortality)
• benzene (brrooom brrooom!)
• benzoapyrene (apparently one of the most potent known carcinogenics)
• butane (to light up your life)
• cadmium (to charge you up)
• formaldehyde (to keep you well-preserved)
• lead (just in case you are not a renovator and missing out on your quota)
• propylene glycol (which is in my moisturisers. Does this mean that ciggies prevent ageing??)
• and turpentine (which keeps you thin, just like paints).
  Ref: http://womenclique.com/cigarettetoxins.html

So it's only logical that a person would crave such delightful things, eh?

By 9pm I was crawling up the walls and decided to buy some rollie papers and find some butts on the street to roll up. At least then I'd only smoke one. It was amazing. There I was packing my handbag. There I was locking the windows. Walking to the door ...

The whole time I knew that what I was doing was absolutely wrong but it was as though a giant puppermaster was pulling my strings inexorably towards The Big Cave In.

I walked to the car. Started it. Drove up the road, parked and walked to the shop. Again, not a moment went by that I wasn't completely aware that I was being a complete f-wit. Once I was at Enmore shopping centre I went searching for butts. I had a sheet of paper with me to put the butts in so they wouldn't pong up my bag. However, no decent, juicy butts presented themselves and I suddenly had an attack of civilised humanity.

Maybe I'm getting old and precious, but the idea of picking up someone else's butts suddenly seemed revolting to me. I mean, what if they were contaminated with bird flu or something? (Not that I have seen a lot of birds smoking but you know what I mean).

So I bought a nice, clean pristine packet of 20s instead. I took off my patch and smoked one of those little sticks.

I'm smoking it now as I type. Suddenly balance and poise has returned to my life. I feel good. Content. In control.

Pity about that gnawing part of me that keeps telling me that I'm a weak-willed fool.

Tuesday, 20 Dec 05

Today is "crack day". That is, I'm pretty well smoking as though I'd never given up. Needless to say I have felt very relaxed and together. I had the day off, went to my usual coffee shop, and did not suffer the indignity of trying to wheedle cigs from anyone. However, I did buy a more patches to make sure I have enough over the holiday period. I also bought some more sweets, hoping to find a good combination to use when I get back to quitting. I now have an impressive array of oral pacifiers:

• PK chewing gum
• Eclipse menthol eucalyptus chewing gum
• Spearmint Extra chewing gum
• Jols (3 fruits flavour)
• Tic Tac—both peppermint and extra strong
• Eucalyptus drops
• Barley sugar
• Butterscotch.

Have I missed anything? I have also decided to use a pen (with its innards removed) as a substitute mouth toy.The aesthetics of this are not great but, as per that famous quote from Gone with the Wind, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn".

I again searched for someone to give my cigs away and finally managed to find one presumably homeless guy but it turns out he stopped smoking 23 years ago. He good-naturedly mentioned that he is growing sillier (as opposed to wiser) as he gets older and I said "me too". So I ended up putting the remainder of the packet on a park bench. I'm basically doing to D what he did to me last week—stopping smoking just a few hours before he comes over. As it turns out, D is now postponing his quitting day to Boxing Day. As for tonight, might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb ...

Wednesday, 21 Dec 05

I had broken off three bits of ciggies last night (I don't always want a whole cig) so I smoked two of them this morning before work (about 6 drags' worth).

I ate six chocolates at work—for the same reason that Edmund Hilary climbed Mount Everest. After work, while waiting for the bus to take us to tennis after work, Carley told me how she stopped smoking. Every time she felt tempted she told herself no because then she wouldn't be a non-smoker, and that was her aim. D too, has talked of labelling yourself a non-smoker. It seems a sensible approach and therefore probably not one that is suitable for me, but I'll keep my options open on that one. As they say, "wonders never cease". But then again, "they" say a lot of things.

It was still hot when we played our tennis, the hot air tinged with an acrid smell of smoke so strong that it made Anna feel ill. Since then the news is saying that there has been a big bushfire at Allambie Heights, so the smoke must have travelled a long way. I guess that circumvented any need to smoke for me (passive smoking on a grand scale), although it should be said that I'm not so wretched that I need to smoke on the tennis court (ahem).

We were to have post-tennis Xmas drinks but Zanzibar was full, so we had a meal at El Bahsa instead. Very few pangs, which just goes to show that hanging out with non-smokers really does help. Still, once I got home I smoked the other cig bit (all 4 or so drags of it) and cleaned up some of the better butts in the ashtray. All up, I'd say I'd smoked a total of one cig today. I don't think I'll use patches tomorrow; maybe on the Xmas weekend when I stay with the fam (all dedicated smoking-haters).

Thursday, 22 Dec 05

I'm pissed. Not drastically (hence I can still write) but enough. Red wine. Xmas party at the Museum where I worked back in the 90s. It was great to catch up with those familiar, friendly faces. I behaved for a fair while but I finally cracked, botting two cigs from Trish and one from a woman I hadn't met before. Three isn't bad for a drunked social occasion, is it? Yeah ok, it's hopeless; I have all the willpower of a dandelion seed.

One thing I did notice was that I seem to have broken some of the habit aspects of it. I don't feel the morning tea/lunch/afternoon tea pangs at all any more. However, how I go when I don't have six chocolates at work is another matter.

The major pangs seem to occur after getting up, then after breakfast. I don't have any more strong ones until after I get home, since my usual routine is to basically smoke my tiny brains out as I sit by my puter, doing emails, surfing the web and making pictures. Hopefully these pangs will go away too.

Friday, 23 Dec 05

Shocking hangover. I woke up with the mental and physical qualities of a washed-out old dish rag. Had the usual morning pangs but nothing that a gum and lozenge couldn't handle. I felt so cruddy the idea of a cigarette wasn't all that appealing.

I dropped into the printing place to pick up the 1m x 30cm canvas of an abstract I made, printed for the family Xmas present and gingerly lugged it to work. It's the first serious print I've had done of my work. Tip: you have to exaggerate tonal variations in area of dark colour or those areas come out as flat—as opposed to textured—colour. Live and learn.

We had a work Xmas lunch. Some drank champage. I had OJ and water. Decided to take up the offer for a half-day and left around 1.30.

I bought a pack of 20s at the corner shop on the way home. Why did I do that? Well, since D isn't giving up till Boxing Day I might as well be an idiot, given that I'll be spending a few day's at the fam's place and wont smoke there at all (or they'll nag me to bits). If there are any left over by tomorrow I'll give to D.

Saturday, 24 Dec 05

Silly me - I smoked like a chimney with D last night. We watched Mullholland Drive and anyone who's ever watched it will realise that it's enough to drive anyone to cigs, smokes, LSD - goodness knows, David Lynch must have used all of those plus any number of other mind-altering substances when he came up with the movie concept! (Btw, the contraption in my David Lynch smoking picture was based on a public domain clipart image on www.pcbypaul.com).

Had two more cigs in the morning with D and then choofed off to the fam's place to get primed for Xmas. While I was there I bought another packet of nicotine gum to tide me over the Xmas period. Despite the hot winds and searing heat there was no bushfire smoke to keep my lungs in that familar state of dirtiness and I made do with gum and lozenges (and food and chocolates and drink and almonds).

Naturally, I was as good as gold for the rest of the day. It just goes to show that my maturity level is such that I need to be around ppl who keep in line to, well, stay in line. I might grow up by age 50 and, if I start staying off the cigs, I could even live that long ...

Sunday, Xmas Day 05

Since I will be at the fam's place for the next few days, I'm making a pre-emptive strike on the blog—typing this on Xmas Eve at 11.46pm. I doubt I'll have a chance to add anything to the blog while I'm doing the Xmas thang.

I had the foresight (or stupidity) to break off four ciggie ends last night (meaning some of my smokes were 2/3 smokes). At about 3 small drags each they would total to about half a cig. They are gone now.

I expect to not smoke over the next few days so that leaves the week's count at 40 which, while pretty bad, is about 100 or so less than usual, so I can't get too down on myself about it.

When I get back home I'll be seeing D, who is (purportedly) quitting on Boxing Day. The cheeky blighter has been ribbing me about my paltry performance in giving up so far, saying that it will be up to him to lead the way.

So he's talked the talk ... soon we'll see if he can walk the walk!

Oh, and by the way—a small message to my many (ie. one or two) readers—have a nice Chrissie break :)

Weekly summary

Week 3 -->