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Musing on Sydney's news

16 March 2003

Look at the picture to the right. The above image depicts the eyebrows of the three most successful Prime Ministers in Australian history, from the top down - Robert Menzies, Bob Hawke and John Howard. Notice anything?

I've come to the conclusion that an essential requirement to be a long-term Prime Minister in this country is to have outrageous eyebrows.

Poor Paul Keating, with his relatively modest eye bushes, never really had a hope. One term and out. Hewson was never in the race either. Contrary to popular belief, the GST had nothing to do with his demise. It was his hirsutely-challenged eyebrows.

The correlation is so uncanny that I'm amazed that no-one thought to investigate this before. I mean, what is it with crazy eyebrows and our PMs? It's as though someone transplanted a patch of underarm hair and plonked it over their eyes.

Even scarier is the thought that their image consultants may have told them to trim their brows, along with various stray nostril and ear hairs. Think about it. Their eyebrows may be naturally even thicker than they already are.

Some years ago a man at my workplace was eyebrow-gifted in much the same way as our illustrious leaders. His brows started out over his inner eyes as a thick, unruly bush and then, as they progressed towards the outer sides of his brow, they seemingly defied the laws of gravity (if only my hair had that sort of body), shooting skywards at the edges as though trying to escape.

He needed no gel - as far as I know anyway - to maintain these eyebrow quiffs, which we so alarming that I was actually scared when first introduced to him.

Despite his eccentric appearance, he turned out to be quite an amiable, honest and reasonable fellow. That said, it would be clear to you that he didn't occupy a senior position in the organisation.

But why? After all, he had the eyebrows to be a true leader of men. Then again, he had an even bigger beard, which hung down his torso like a massive furry bib. I expect that beards may negate the Eyebrow Effect. So he was saved from the duplicity, mendacity and hubris of his more celebrated eyebrow peers.

Maybe there's something more to it than just The Eyebrow Factor? But if that's the case, how can you explain away the remarkable similarity of brow madness in Pig Iron Bob, Weeping Bob and Never-Ever-Johnny? Apart from possessing ego-strength wildly disproportionate to their abilities (or anyone's abilities for that matter), I can see nothing else that links these three men. And surely, it can't be a coincidence.

My first thought was that extravagant brow bushes keep a certain part of the brain warm, even overheated, which triggers megalomaniacal tendencies.

Or perhaps these brow balconies, which surely block their upwards view, prevent them from being able to look to the heavens for inspiration, leaving them grounded and mundane enough to relate to "Ornry 'strayans".

Of course, it could be the Macho Factor. So far I'm yet to come across a woman endowed with eyebrows of such magnitude, not even in Newtown. So these oversized above-eye caterpillars could be a sign of male strength, powerful testosterone bombs equipped with sufficient testicle-oomph to lead a country over the long haul in the eyes of a country that values strong leaders.

So many theories, so little time! With my head swimming with speculations, I trawled the web, seeking out expert opinions.

According to physiognomists (physiognomy being the art of reading facial features) bushy eyebrows are a sign of a forceful nature. Aha! The testosterone factor!

Heavily arched eyebrows apparently signify a dramatic nature. We more seasoned folk may remember one of a star PM proclaiming that there will be no child poverty by 1990. I know at least one 11 year old who would argue that one, especially when drooling over the latest playstation game that he can't have until Christmas. But don't blame Bob. His eyebrows made him do it.

I think there's something to this testosterone bomb theory. Yes, I know Johnny's not what you'd call stereotypically macho, but his sheer cussedness and persistence in the face of any opposition, no matter how reasoned or sensible, can surely only be generated by the dreaded combat hormone.

Some time ago I came to the conclusion that most pollies are cut of the same cloth - a fairly cussed and persistent cloth at that. Pollies as adults were the kids we've all seen writhing on the floor and frothing at the mouth in supermarkets after Mum denied them an ice cream. Mum gives in (since everyone's staring at her as though she was a child abuser) and mission accomplished.

As the brat is happily lapping his prize, he thinks to himself, "Gee, this works. Must remember that one. Hehehe".

Fifty years later he's cut and thrust his way to the top of the pile, and is addressing the nation on some terribly important issue or other.

Now that you know the secret go forth and campaign, my sons.

In case you're wondering, the moral of this tale is that if you seek election to the highest office in this country don't - no matter how absurd you may appear - trim, pluck or tidy up those brows. Let them grow free and wild and watch the electorate fall in line in the face of your overpowering brow shrubs.

And now you know why we've never had a female Prime Minister. And to think that all this time we just thought it was the glass ceiling ...

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